Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Grunt Too Many

I was looking into a crystal ball recently and this is what i saw(or should that be heard)in the future.

A Grunt too Many
That’s it. Stop this now. Enough already. Having spent the last three hours watching the Australian Open on TV, I have no doubt of the sinister intentions of this murderous regime of infantile tennis pros indulging in a mass orgy of orgasmic verbal thrusting, more commonly known as grunting, and, quite honestly, if given an option, I would prefer to dip my already rather meagre nether regions in a pot of boiling molten lava, than stomach anymore of this bizarre nonsense.
Murderous, you say. Well, yes, because if one had not yet contemplated suicide by snake bite, or, perhaps diving into a pool full of sharks, having listened to three hours of multi-orgasmic tennis players, they soon will. Once again, murder, I say, on part of the pros.
Napoleon met his demise at Waterloo, but surely, if he had had the help of this groaning bunch of prima donnas,then the piercing sound of this lot would have been enough to see off the enemy. No enemy could possibly withstand this hideous noise. For this bunch- in particular the ladies- would surely have got the better of the opposition and had them retreating faster than you could say grunt.
Monica Seles started this diatribe of the spectators’ senses, back in the early 1990’s. A lot to answer for, has our Monica. It may have been okay if this nasty little infection had stopped with Sele’s retirement. Unfortunately, it created an entire new universe of mini mes, just craving to outdo each other, not only in the match, but, also, in a grunting contest. Good value for money, though, for the spectators. Two contests for the price of one. Wow.
This Pandemic is so widespread throughout the game now, that I fear it is out of control to the extent that the game’s administrators will not be able to rein in the players. It has become such a habit for many that they would now find it hard to stop this crass behaviour. But, this should not stop the governing body trying with all their might. A hefty fine or three, perhaps. Hit the players where it really hurts: in the pocket. This malaise has to come to a screeching halt: and sooner rather than later.
Don’t get too hopeful though. This plague has been around for over fifteen years and officials have not yet remotely tried to do anything. Kind of reminds you of a certain soccer organisation that refuses to bring in video technology, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t want to improve the game now, would we!
The players will claim that the grunting generates more power in their shots. And yet, many have managed to win without so much as making a sound. This particular argument is about as true as saying that the nanny state is the most welcome visitor to our shores in recent history. Let’s examine shall we? The great Steffi Graf never felt the need to exhale so loudly; and she hit the ball with an almighty thud. Won the odd major title, too, if I recall correctly. That wonderful lass, the Swiss Miss, Martina Hingis, who never uttered a grunt on court her entire career (although, could be delightfully terse off it), managed to win grand slam titles aplenty. Maybe she should have grunted; she may have won even more. Here’s where it gets even better. Think of Rodger Federer, who seems to have missed out of this particular strain of the grunting plague. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that he hits the ball as hard as most other men and certainly harder than the female players, and yet, oddly enough, does not feel the urge to grunt. Not a bad player is he?
Perhaps, if the tennis authorities will do nothing, then I have some helpful advice for them, that involves collecting up many of Australia’s snake population and dumping them on the court when the offending players are contesting their match.
Won’t have much time to worry about grunting then, will they.

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