Wednesday, July 7, 2010

It’s the weekend. What better way to spend the day than to go to a game of rugby league.
When you arrive, do feel free to congregate at the ticket sales kiosk, indulging in harmless banter with opposition fans regarding how ineffective their team’s player’s talent is. Also, feel free to loudly announce to all and sundry that you hold those same player’s in as high esteem as what you do Hitler himself, not to mention his foreign policy of the early 1940’s.
Once inside the arena, if it is a wet day, please do your utmost to stroll along with your umbrella up, not looking where you are going. This has the advantage that you can take out as many innocent pedestrians as possible. Such good sport, isn’t it? I mean, how inconsiderate of those innocents to expect to use the footpath as well you. You’re right, complete vermin, the lot of them. And surely the good folk from St John’s have so little to do with their time that they would deeply appreciate your tremendous efforts in injuring as many pedestrians as possible, hence allowing to test the skills that they learnt in their training.
So you have managed to negotiate your way to the merchandise stand, then. Good for you. This is a splendid place to purchase items that can be used as weapons to make your fellow spectators day at the league a complete and utter misery. A magnificent choice for you would be to buy a team flag to support your team with.
Ahh, I see you have found your way to the food and beverage facilities. Nothing quite like some chips and a hot dog on a cold day is there? Yes, I see you agree, Sir. But please do not handle those hot dogs with so much uncontrolled glee. Your wife certainly is looking somewhat surprised!
Anyway, it seems that you have located your seats. It’s still early and the Warriors under 20’s are playing Parramatta. The home side is giving their opponents a sound thrashing. But don’t let this stop you from giving a running commentary on the faults of your local side for the entire eighty minutes of play. After all, they are only leading by twenty points. Go on, show that strong moral fibre that you so clearly possess, by announcing in as loud and obnoxious manner as you are capable of, that these young players are dickheads whenever they do what you would never be capable of: making an error. But it’s okay, don’t worry, they are only trying their hardest. And you certainly appreciate that fact, don’t you.
Finally, the main game starts, the crowd is building up, but, despite this, please do your best to take up more than one seat, even though you don’t seem to have a particularly big frame. And as the Warriors are on attack, don’t mind leaning over the person seated next to you towards the end of the field your team is heading towards. They wouldn’t possibly mind. This is also an ideal occasion for you to spill your food or drink over them, as well. Don’t worry what they think of this though, as I’m sure they will be forever grateful to you offering them food. Wouldn’t want them to starve, now would you.
As the game twists and turns it ways through various scenarios, Big Manu Vatuvei charges for the try line. Please note that this is an extremely suitable time to stand up (even though you can see the action perfectly clearly sitting down) so that anyone beside you or behind you cannot see what is happening. Even better if you wave your flag around as well so as to obscure the view of others even more. Hey, they only paid $45 per ticket. Why the hell could they possible ever be expecting to see some of the game for that kind of money, I will never know.
The Warriors are doing a demolition job on the Parramatta Eels, but don’t let that stop you from abusing the referees. They are Australian and couldn’t possibly referee the match fairly. Never mind that your team may have a ten to five lead in the penalty count. You’re right, bloody cheats the lot of them.
And don’t just stop with the referees. After all, there are twenty-six players on the field as well that deserve nothing better than to be called c---suckers(it actually happened last Sunday). What’s more, take no notice of the fact there are young children at the ground that have come along with the parents to enjoy the game. But then you are doing those children a favour by teaching them a second language, aren’t you. After all, everyone should be bi-lingual. How thoughtful of you.
With the Warriors having won, everyone, I’m sure, will be forever grateful that you were on your best behaviour and the rest of us no doubt are exceedingly happy that you have had a thoroughly enjoyable day out at the rugby league.

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