Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Recently a protester was sent for a hike down a long narrow never ending road. Now, it has come to my attention that there is a need for someone else to join this protester. A tennis player, perhaps. For example, Serena Williams.
Having just watched her Australian Open first round match against Urszula Radwanska, I propose that the younger of the Williams sisters would be an absolutely worthy recipient of this wonderful opportunity.
In her 6-2, 6-1 victory over Radwanska, I counted two hundred and fourteen grunts on her part. That’s right; two hundred and fourteen. Now don’t get me wrong Serena, you are a supremely talented lady, not to mention exceedingly attractive to boot. Although, with all those bandages you had on today, you did a rather fine impersonation of an Egyptian mummy. Walk, talk and grunt like an Egyptian.
One would hate to think what it is going to be like once you get into the second week of the Open, where presumably the matches will be longer due to the higher quality of opponent, hence, longer rallies. To think that you possibly could triple today’s tally, well it is stomach churning to say the least. And this doesn’t take into account that you may have an opponent that grunts as well. Your combined tally threatens to truly stun.
You and your big sister, Venus, have taken women’s tennis to new heights. You’re so good that you were partly responsible for the premature demise of the magnificent Swiss miss, Martina Hingis. She had a great tennis mind as well as sublime shot making. But you had all that plus the one ingredient that really frightens opponents: power.
In particular, you Serena have shone brightly, even outshining Venus. Venus shines in the early mornings and evenings, but you shine vividly all around the clock. But come on, what’s with the excessive grunting? An easy victory like this and you had this uncontrollable urge to grunt two hundred and fourteen times. Clearly you are a tremendously powerful lady that has been laden with mighty strength that allows you to grind your foes into the ground. But surely with your fitness levels and weight training you must be able to hit the ball without this almost obsessive compulsive need to grunt. I personally would rather climb Mt Everest naked, than be subjected to listening to this torture ever again.
In one game you managed to grunt fifty-five times. Today you averaged fourteen grunts per game. A mighty effort, Serena. Perhaps you could do us all a favour and aim for ten per game in your next match. Just think of it as a challenge. Challenge challenged Serena and Serena challenged challenge. Challenge, unfortunately, will most likely win.
What is peculiar is that in the preceding match to yours, Australian Samantha Stosur won a hard fought three setter. And get this: she didn’t grunt once. This is the woman who owns the biggest serve in women’s tennis. A lady that regardless of whether she wins or loses, makes tennis a pleasure to watch. The worst thing about this, other than the fact that you do not seem to have the capacity to emulate this effort, is that being a New Zealander, I have just done something that really does not bear thinking about too much; complimenting an Australian.
Now you may not be too pleased with these criticisms, and I beg you, do not jam a tennis ball down my throat. I am aware that you are well capable of achieving such a feat. I'm sure I'm not the first that you have been oh so tempted to try this on. Maybe a lineswoman or two, as well.
By the bye,we have an ex-politician here in New Zealand that in a past life masqueraded as a teacher. He allegedly liked to put a tennis ball down students’ mouths as a punishment. A possible pen pal for you Serena?
Perhaps you should consider shoving the ball down your own throat. It would surely save us from listening to this plethora of grunting that would do one of those laugh tracks from an America sitcom proud. You know the ones? Yep, where they sound like they are having a mass orgasm. That’s what you sound like on court Serena. The noise is unbearable.
For silence challenged Serena and Serena challenged silence. Serena won.
Tennis officials must be terrified of your like, for they continually fail to address this abhorrent sideline entertainment you and your fellow pros so ably dabble in. Sure you are a star, but possibly the threat of a ban from a grand slam tournament may put a halt to this most undesirable of practices. And it is not as if you cannot stop grunting. For it was very noticeable that there were points where you were hitting the ball with ferocious force, and yet you felt no need to exhale an almighty grunt. Not even a squeak. This leads the keen observer to believe that the good majority of the time there is no need to attack the spectators’ sense of hearing.
For those two hundred and fourteen atrocities that you have committed, the long narrow never ending road challenges you. And Serena Williams, please step up and challenge the long narrow never ending road.
And do what you are so good at: win.

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